This new version of Conan the Barbarian will satisfy a lust for blood spilled, but not much else. From the beginning, the movie borrows heavily from classics we’ve seen before. Young Conan wants to step up & fight beside his father, (Pon Perlman) His father says he’s too young. It’s a page straight out of the scroll of ‘Braveheart.’
While on a sea voyage, it was like a scene plucked out of any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I almost thought I saw Captain Jack Sparrow flying across the deck. Conan is a simple story of revenge. At one point, I thought we was going to utter the phrase, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (That’s from ‘The Princes Bride” for anyone wondering.)
To really earn the R rating, besides the brutality, there are babes! We learn that newly freed slaves girls just wanna have fun, topless! There’s also a primal sex scene between Conan(Jason Momoa) and Tamara (Rachel Nichols). Conan was a Bone-nan.
Things get a little weird with the evil sorceress Marique (Rose McGowan) & her father Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). They are out for ‘under’-world domination, but Marique seems to want to please daddy in a sexual manner. A bit freaky & that’s just the way Rose wanted to play it. As Ferris Bueller’s principal Ed Rooney said, “So that’s how it is in their family.”
Moving onto the finale, I really must give credit to Steven Spielberg. The set was a straight ripoff of ‘Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom.’ Beat for beat, it was all there. The contraption that holds & lowers the human sacrifice. The hot molten lava below. The steady drumbeats & chants just like the Thugee cult. In Temple, the evil priest Mola Ram wore a ceremonial headdress that cradled his jawline. Same exact thing Khalar Zym in Conan.
If you’re into heads to getting lopped off, Conan is cool. If you’re looking for originality, please refer to the following, ‘Braveheart,’ ‘The Princess Bride,’ ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl,’ or ‘Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.’ By the way, Conan The Barbarian will play just fine in 2D. Save your cash for popcorn & soda.
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I’m constantly in & around movies. It’s a big part of my life. If you’re into cool movie news that are not SPOILERS, follow me on Twitter @leoquinones