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Conan The Barbarian Movie Review

This new version of Conan the Barbarian will satisfy a lust for blood spilled, but not much else.  From the beginning, the movie borrows heavily from classics we’ve seen before.  Young Conan wants to step up & fight beside his father, (Pon Perlman) His father says he’s too young.  It’s a page straight out of the scroll of ‘Braveheart.’

While on a sea voyage, it was like a scene plucked out of any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  I almost thought I saw Captain Jack Sparrow flying across the deck.   Conan is a simple story of revenge.  At one point, I thought we was going to utter  the phrase, “Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (That’s from ‘The Princes Bride” for anyone wondering.)

To really earn the R rating, besides the brutality, there are babes!  We learn that newly freed slaves girls just wanna have fun, topless!  There’s also a primal sex scene between Conan(Jason Momoa) and Tamara (Rachel Nichols).  Conan was a Bone-nan.

Things get a little weird with the evil sorceress Marique (Rose McGowan) & her father Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang).  They are out for ‘under’-world domination, but Marique seems to want to please daddy in a sexual manner.  A bit freaky & that’s just the way Rose wanted to play it.  As Ferris Bueller’s principal Ed Rooney said, “So that’s how it is in their family.”

Moving onto the finale, I really must give credit to Steven Spielberg.  The set was a straight ripoff of ‘Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom.’  Beat for beat, it was all there.  The contraption that holds & lowers the human sacrifice.  The hot molten lava below.  The steady drumbeats & chants just like the Thugee cult.  In Temple, the evil priest Mola Ram wore a ceremonial headdress that cradled his jawline.  Same exact thing Khalar Zym in Conan.

If you’re into heads to getting lopped off, Conan is cool.  If you’re looking for originality, please refer to the following, ‘Braveheart,’ ‘The Princess Bride,’ ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl,’ or ‘Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.’  By the way, Conan The Barbarian will play just fine in 2D. Save your cash for popcorn & soda.

If you’re looking to make the right choices on movies & save real money at the box office, get the Film Freak iPhone – iPad App.  Just Search Film Freak.

I’m constantly in & around movies.  It’s a big part of my life.  If you’re into cool movie news that are not SPOILERS, follow me on Twitter @leoquinones



Fright Night 3D Movie Review

When it comes to breaking down a movie like,  “Fright Night,” the last thing anyone needs is an intellectual film critic know-it-all.   Horror purists will balk at the idea of this remake or re-visioning of “Fright Night.” Who even cares!?!  First & foremost, this vampire movie plays by the bloodsucker rulebook.  Unlike the undead in “Twilight,” who walk triumphantly in the the blistering sun, the filmmakers paid attention to the Do’s & Don’ts of the genre.  I appreciate the crosses, garlic, holy water, wooden stakes & finding the hidden masters’ lair.

What’s cool about “Fright Night” is its sexiness.  Jerry (Colin Farrell) is hands down the horniest vampire.  His female take downs are legendary! Strippers, MiLFs & high school hotties. Jerry’s favorite blood type is O….M.G.  Farrell is perfect for the role with his eyes always peering, cautiously sniffing scents & scratching things during his scenes.   On the other hand, Charlie (Anton Yelchin) is the clumsy & pasty kid tasked with doing away with a very tactical, 400 year old vampire.

The acting is solid.  The cast also includes Toni Collette & a good performance from David Tennant, who plays a Las Vegas based occult-heavy magician, Peter Vincent.  Ramin Djawadi’s musical score was just excellent.  It just added a terrific layer of tension.  Also, there’s the 3D factor. I have to say, this time around, the 3D plays really well.  I hope you don’t mind having 3D blood spurting into your face.

The Vampire movie genre is alive and well.  All I can say is, “Fright Night” was the bloodsucking torpedo that sank the USS Twilight for ’2011′s Coolest Vampire Flick.’  Sorry Twi-hards.

“Fright Night” is Rated R for bloody violence & F Bombs.

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Leo, What Should I Go See? 8.12.11

Here are my thoughts & recommendations  on weekend’s new movie releases.

  • 30 Seconds or Less
  • Final Destination 5
  • The Help

Follow me on Twitter @leoquinones



30 Minutes Or Less Movie Review

Jesse Eisenberg is Nick.   A guy who hates his job, his boss & probably his life.   What does he do for a living?  He delivers pizzas like a NASCAR Ninja in just 30 Minutes or Less.   Nick’s last delivery is gonna be a doozy.  Two second rate losers (Danny McBride & Nick Swardson) hatch a plan to make quick money.  Instead of robbing a bank themselves, they’ll strap a homemade bomb on a stranger & make him do it.

As you’ve seen in the trailer, once the bomb has been planted on Nick, he seeks help from his best friend Chet (Aziz Ansari).  Armed with only knowledge of 80′s action flicks, these two idiots rob the local bank to the tune of 100,00 bucks.

Two familiar faces are scene stealers with limited screen time. First, the hitman (Michael Peña). Very funny.  Also, from TV’s “Rules of Engagement,” is Bianca Kajlich who plays a local stripper. While dancing on Danny McBride, Bianca goes full blown topless. No special digital effects or enhancements. Man, the one time I want 3D & it’s not even there.

The idea of these two numb nuts getting away with this high profile robbery in Grand Rapids, Michigan is certainly a stretch. You’ll just have to go with it.  It’s a straight up rated R stoner comedy.  If you dug “Pineapple Express,” this is your movie.

There’s nothing worse than having a bomb strapped to your chest.  Can you imagine!?!  On the other hand, there’s nothing better than the Film Freak iPhone – iPad App. It’s the movie app that saves you money on movies. Just search Film Freak

I’m not a credible bank robber, but life is fun. Follow me on Twitter @leoquinones



Final Destination 5 Movie Review

There’s an old saying, ‘Give the people what they want.’  And what they want is yet another dose of ” Final Destination.”  The popular film series flies in the face of everything.  It just doesn’t care. It’s all about scary premonitions & Death’s Design.  The TV spots have given away so much. What the audience wants to see, disturbing as it may seem, is beautiful people getting maimed, twisted & crunched in the most incredulous deaths imaginable.

Instead of being shocked & horrified, the crowd just laughs & cheers!  This time around, a bridge collapses & all but eight people on board escape with their lives.  Well, if you’ve seen the trailer, Creepy Coroner guys says, “Death doesn’t like to be cheated.”  One by one the survivors get picked off in a way sinister manner.  Death’s scenarios have been well documented in every TV spot. There’s the Lasik Eye Exam, the gymnast & the sensual Asian massage parlor & more!

When it comes to Final Destination 5, you best not over think it.  I saw it with a sold out crowd & they ate it up.  They were straight up laughing as the actors delivered their ‘serious’ lines.  Every time someone gets taken out, you can hear the ‘Ohhhhhhh-turn-into-sheer-laughs.’

I must admit, Final Destination 5 was super fun.  It’s rated R for extreme violence, but less nudity than Final Destination 4.  What’s up with that?  Personally speaking, I thought Final 3′s topless girl slow-cooking in the tanning bed death was a high point in the series.

The 3D thing is so played out…in the first 5 minutes!  3D opening credits show slow motion with things coming at you all through shattered glass. Yawn.  A hammer. A prosthetic arm. A skull. A tire. A Metal Rod. Yawn. A brick.  By the start of the movie, the 3D is totally on your nerves.  Save 4-5 bucks by seeing Final 5 in 2D.

The Film Freak iPhone App is where it’s at in movies.  It’s the movie app that saves you money on movies.

If I ever have a premontion about Death’s Design, you best follow me on Twitter @leoquinones.  Cuz, when I get that eerie vision, I will certainly Tweet about it & quite possibly save your life.

Thank me later,

Cheers!

Q



Rise of the Planet of the Apes Movie Review

If you’re looking to compare 1968′s “Planet of the Apes” with “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” don’t even bother.  The former from 43 years ago is a crowning achievement of the Science Fiction genre.  Astronauts from Earth crash land on a planet ruled by apes.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is set in present day San Francisco.  Will Rodman (James Franco) is a scientist who’s desperately scrambling to discover a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease through genetic therapy.   The experimental drugs are used on chimp apes & gorillas.

People will remember this movie for Ceasar (Andy Serkis).  The motion capture performance by Serkis adds a dimension of reality never before seen in a film.  This chimp shows every emotion from sorrow, happiness, fear & of course rage. Extremely well done special effects by WETA.

The tone of this film is dark & grows darker with each act.  There’s a spotlight on animal cruelty which automatically puts you on the sides of the apes.  The abuse is simply captivity.  These beasts should be in the wild & not locked up in rusty cages.  As the movie progresses, the friction between humans & apes escalates.

As you see in the movie’s trailer, the apes escape, revolt & run rampant through the streets of San Francisco.  The movie is thought-provoking & well made. It is worth seeing.  But for me personally, I prefer the Charlton Heston version.

If you’d like to save money on movies, get the Film Freak iPhone App. Just search Film Freak.

You can also follow me on Twitter @leoquinones

To heighten drama, medical advances are catapulted forward at lightning speed.  Crucial steps are missed & experimental drugs fall prey to corporate greed.



The Change Up Movie Review

With all that’s going on in the world today, why not laugh it up!?!  The Change Up is that movie.  The premise is a retread. Two people switching bodies.  I know lots of people are overly critical.  If they had things their way, there would be no more Cop movies, buddy movies, romantic comedies, westerns, etc. It’s been done before. I say, so what!

Ryan Reynolds plays a slacker named Mitch.  A bachelor who engages in sex, lots of it.  Mitch likes it weird & he likes it often.  His post 2am booty calls are just the most vicious passion clashes imaginable. Basically, he’s a stoner with a boner.  His married buddy Dave (Jason Bateman) is just that: Married.  He’s a workaholic lawyer who’s got a wife & three young kids.  The youngest two need to get fed & changed in the middle of the night.  These daddy/kiddie exchanges are worth the price of admission alone.

One night, the guys hit a local bar & relive glory days with a few too many shots. While relieving themselves in a fountain, they blurt out, “I wish I had your life.”  Voila!  The next day, the pair have permeated each other’s body.   Mitch, in Dave’s body becomes a responsible lawyer & Diaper Guy in the middle of the night.  Friggin’ hilarious.

Dave is now sporting Mitch’s body.  Instead of changing diapers in the middle of the night, he’ll most likely be changing condoms.  Yeohhhh! You won’t believe Mitch’s day job & what Dave has to do to keep his boss happy. No spoilers here. Dave’s legal assistant, Sabrina (Olivia Wilde) adds a real layer of sexiness.  As shown in the trailer, she goes out with Mitch’s exterior, but it’s Dave on the inside.  Y’see Dave, always admired Sabrina, in a “You’re-so-scorching-hot-keep-I’m-gonna-keep-my-distance-because-I’m-married” kinda way.

The Change Up is the perfect movie to disconnect & enjoy.  Is it Midnight In Paris?  Not by a longshot & it doesn’t want to be.  I thought Midnight In Paris was terrific.  But, so is this. It’s a sometimes childish, always raunchy Rated R comedy that doesn’t apologize for what it is.  Loosen your tie, drink an ice coldy & laugh it up. It’s just a movie.

Since Mitch dates a lot on a budget, he needs to save money on movies.  That’s why he’s got the Film Freak iPhone app.  Just search Film Freak.

Life is crazy. You can see how crazy mine is by following me on Twitter @leoquinones

Cheers!



Crazy Stupid Love Movie Review

Crazy, Stupid, Love. had a nice movie trailer.  It showed a story of Steve Carell’s character going through tough times with Julianne Moore’s character.  There was another layer in the trailer with Emma Stone’s character getting together with Ryan Gosling’s character.  After seeing this ‘nice’ trailer, I swore to myself, I know this movie. I’ve already seen this movie.

The reality is:  This nice trailer did not do the movie justice at all.  I’m watching the movie thinking to myself, this has twists & unpredictability. After almost three decades of marriage, Cal (Steve Carell) and Emily (Julianne Moore) are just about done as a couple.  While trying to numb himself with booze, Cal meets & befriends Jakob Palmer (Ryan Gosling) a slick swordsmen who snares a smokin’ hot chick every night.

Cal undergoes a Manly Man Makeover & his confidence is boosted.  Across town, Hannah (Emma Stone) is having her own love troubles with her boyfriend Richard (Josh Groban).

There were standout performances from Jonah Bobo as their love-struck 14-year old son. Also, a convincing performance by Analeigh Tipton as the babysitter.  Kevin Bacon & Marisa Tomei are always good in supporting roles.

I’m going to predict: Crazy, Stupid, Love. will garner a Golden Globe nomination in the Best Comedy or Musical category.

Have my movie reviews & talk show podcasts sent to your iPhone with the Film Freak iPhone – iPad App. It’s the movie app that saves you money on movies.  If you don’t get it you just might be CRAZY.  STUPID is too harsh a word. One thing I do know, you’ll LOVE it. Just search Film Freak.

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Cowboys and Aliens Movie Review

Director, Jon Favreau took on the toughest job of the summer: Mashing Up two distinct movie genres into one film.  The Old West collides with Alien Invaders.  This was one ride I was ready to take.  For the most part, I was  satisfied with the experience.

One thing that bugged me:  I believe, when the film’s first attached star, Robert Downey Jr. backed out, the casting of Daniel Craig wouldn’t be on my short list of replacement actors.  Daniel Craig simply does not look like a cowboy, (again, my own opinion).  He’s got the cropped haircut & instead of having a little extra padding from eating pork & beans over a open campfire, the guy looks like he spendt endless hours working out on his newfangled P90X machine.

What I liked was the underdog theme.  The humans were clearly on the way out.  The aliens dominated & toyed with the earthlings.  The unique situation forced the cowboys to create an unlikely alliance with the Native Americans. In 1875, the hostilities between the two were unprecedented.   Cynics will tear this movie apart.

Speaking for myself & the sold out midnight crowd, it was simply a fun movie watch.  Go & geek out.  But remember, if you’re gonna go there, try to really go there.  This is what movies are all about, taking us to a place we’ve never been.

If you’d like to have reviews like this sent straight to your iPhone of iPad, get the Film Freak iPhone App in the App Store.  Just search Film Freak. It’s the movie App that saves you money on movies.

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Captain America: The First Avenger Movie Review

Steve Rogers is just a scrawny kid from Brooklyn.  His passion isn’t unique.  Like many brave men at the time, he wanted to serve his country by crushing Hitler & the Nazis.  This premise sets in motion the 70 year history of arguably the most famous Marvel Comics superhero, Captain America.

The muscle makeover makes the movie.  The special effects used to create the anemic Chris Evans were incredible.  His hair was even thinner.  I like the skinny Steve Rogers.  He never takes no for an answer. He never backs down from a fight, even though everyone else is twice his size.  More that that, he’s a good man with heart, tons of it.

“Captain America: The First Avenger” exemplifies the American Dream.  If you try at something long enough, someday you’ll get your day in the sun. That and the help of a military top secret, never-been-tested, state-of-the-art molecular-altering human weaponizer machine.  Hey, it’s a movie.  Here’s what you do genius:  Go with the flow.  It’s called, suspension of disbelief.  This is not ‘The Rabbit Hole.’  It’s Captain Frikkin’ America!

Hugo Weaving was perfect as Johann Schmidt AKA Red Skull . Some will cry out that this is simplistic U.S. Rah Rah.  Point taken.  For me, I thought it was solid summertime entertainment at the movies.

The Avengers & the entire  S.H.I.E.L.D. team have all downloaded the Film Freak iPhone App. It’s the movie all that saves you money on movies!  Just search Film Freak in the App Store.

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